The Courage to Be Disliked: Letting Go of External Validation
In a world that thrives on comparison, applause, and approval, the pursuit of external validation has become a central theme of human behavior. Yet, this relentless chase often comes at a cost: the erosion of our authenticity and the quiet suppression of our unique essence. To break free from this cycle, we must first understand the psychological and sociobiological roots of our need for validation and the profound impact it has on our lives.
The Roots of External Validation
From a sociobiological perspective, the need for validation stems from our evolutionary past. Early humans relied on social bonds for survival. Being accepted by the group meant access to resources, protection, and the ability to reproduce. Social rejection, on the other hand, could mean isolation and death. These survival instincts remain deeply ingrained in our psyche, even though the stakes are no longer life-threatening.
Social psychology reinforces this idea, showing how the fear of judgment influences our behaviors. The social comparison theory, proposed by Leon Festinger, suggests that we evaluate our own worth based on how we measure up to others. This instinct to compare and seek approval is further amplified in the digital age, where social media platforms provide constant metrics of validation through likes, shares, and comments.
The Performance of the “Machine-Man”
Motivation, as explored in behavioral science, can be divided into two types: intrinsic and extrinsic. Intrinsic motivation arises from internal desires, such as curiosity or personal growth, while extrinsic motivation depends on external rewards like accolades, promotions, or recognition. When extrinsic motivation dominates, we become performers in a world of spectators, constantly seeking approval. This transforms us into what can be termed the "machine-man," whose worth is determined by external metrics of success.
Competing to be “more”—more intelligent, agile, talented, wealthy, spiritual, or enlightened—becomes a never-ending race. This constant striving often leads to burnout, dissatisfaction, and a diminished sense of self-worth. As psychologist Carl Rogers noted, "The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change." True growth and fulfillment arise not from external validation but from self-acceptance and intrinsic motivation.
The Star’s Brilliance: A Metaphor for Authenticity
Imagine a star in the night sky. It does not compete with other stars to shine brighter. Its brilliance is not born from comparison but from its essence. This metaphor encapsulates the essence of authenticity. When we stop comparing ourselves to others and let go of the need to outperform, our unique light emerges naturally.
Research in positive psychology highlights the dangers of comparison and competition. The concept of "hedonic adaptation" suggests that external rewards provide only temporary satisfaction. Over time, the joy of achieving a promotion, receiving praise, or acquiring material possessions fades, leaving us hungry for more. In contrast, authenticity—living in alignment with our true selves—brings lasting fulfillment.
The Courage to Be Disliked
Drawing from Adlerian psychology, as explored in The Courage to Be Disliked by Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga, true freedom lies in the "separation of tasks." This principle teaches us to focus on our responsibilities and let go of others' opinions. Adler emphasized that much of our suffering comes from trying to meet others' expectations. By prioritizing our values over societal approval, we unlock the courage to live authentically.
The internet, paradoxically, can both hinder and help in this journey. While social media amplifies the pressure for validation, it also connects us with like-minded communities. Finding our "tribe"—people who appreciate us for who we are—can provide support and encouragement to embrace our uniqueness.
The Paradox of Validation: Invalidation Within
The pursuit of external validation often leads to internal invalidation. When we rely on others to affirm our worth, we lose touch with our inner voice. This is the paradox: the more we seek validation outside ourselves, the more disconnected we become from our authentic selves.
Behavioral studies on self-determination theory (SDT) support this notion. SDT posits that autonomy, competence, and relatedness are fundamental psychological needs. External validation undermines autonomy, making us dependent on others for our sense of self. Conversely, embracing our intrinsic motivations fosters a deeper sense of fulfillment and well-being.
Embracing Uniqueness and Letting Go of Comparison
Comparison and competition are the hallmarks of insecurity. When we compare ourselves to others, we implicitly deny our own uniqueness. The ancient wisdom that "grace is sufficient" reminds us that we are enough as we are. Embracing this truth dissolves the emptiness of external pursuits and allows the authentic brilliance of our being to shine.
Practical steps to achieve this include:
Mindfulness Practices: Cultivate awareness of your thoughts and behaviors. Notice when you seek validation and redirect your focus inward.
Gratitude Exercises: Shift your perspective by appreciating what you have and who you are, rather than what you lack.
Authentic Expression: Engage in activities that align with your values and passions, regardless of external recognition.
Community Building: Surround yourself with individuals who value authenticity over superficial achievements.
Conclusion: The Freedom in Authenticity
The journey to authenticity requires courage. It means letting go of the need for external validation, embracing our imperfections, and recognizing that our worth is inherent. As Adlerian psychology teaches us, "The courage to be disliked" is the key to true freedom.
When we stop performing for the world and start living for ourselves, we discover that authenticity is not something to be achieved but something to be revealed. Like a star, we shine not because we try but because we simply are.